Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Letting it all go

When I cook I think. When I wash dishes I think. In fact, I tune the world around me out and just start thinking about things. Whatever thoughts come to mind, I just think. Someone could ask me something and I probably won’t respond. If I do respond, I say, “Uh huh.”

Is it just me? Does this happen to anyone else?

What I do I think about? Well, let’s see… there’s money, work, life, family, friends, people who claim to be friends, and anything else. The irony of all this thinking is that nothing ever gets resolved. I might throw in the thoughts of, “Forget her. I don’t need this in my life.” Yet, tomorrow I will probably call her. I am just too nice sometimes. I cannot grow a backbone and tell people, “Screw you!”

I need some sort of intervention. Maybe I need life rehab. I need to figure some stuff out and put myself out there as a different person. I don’t really like who I am.

Let’s take Saul for example. I don’t like not liking him. I want to forgive him. Maybe that’s my problem – I don’t forgive easily. I don’t like disliking things in life. Is that a way to live? What about when I’m 70 yrs old and I’m one of those old people that hate everything. I don’t like being unhappy. That is exactly what I am right now. I am unhappy. I thought that would be hard to put out there, but it’s the truth.

I’ll clarify that I am happy with my life in a sense of what I am doing and who I am with. I am unhappy with the person I have become. As in holding a grudge for months, judging people too quickly, not trusting until I’ve known someone for years, not letting people in, not being more outgoing as I would like to be, forgetting to say thank you, telling a complete stranger hello, and more. I wasn’t always like this. I became this way after being screwed over many times by people who said they were my friends.

I guess I will work on myself. I’ll just let the bitter part of me go. It is time to just let it all go and start from scratch. Yes, that is what I’ll do. This whole blog thing kind of cleanses one, heh?

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