Thursday, October 9, 2008

First day at the gym

People (including myself) know what healthy is. We know that smoking, drinking, consuming sugar, caffeine, fried anything, greasy anything, and drugs are bad for our bodies. Almost everything that tastes like guilt is bad for our bodies. Yet, we all seem to do it or eat it. Why is that so?

My next step to my new “Confident Positive Life” is to be healthier and active. I suppose that means heading to the gym more often and eating healthier. Putting down the chips and soda, retiring my jelly-filled donuts, emptying my cookie jars, and picking my jello-y butt up off the couch.

Yes, I did it. I decided to get a membership and head to the gym. I was extremely nervous and self-conscious about going, especially alone. I didn’t know what people would say when they saw me, or think about when I walked in. I did not have those cute little sweats with matching shirts and a bouncy ponytail. Here I was, walking in with some big loose-fitting sweats, large t-shirt, and a bun in my hair. Cute, I know. I figured it was a place to get sweaty and smelly – why would I want to look cute?
As women passed me with their sweet smelling body spray, tight spandex, tank tops, and matching tennis shoes, I grew more self-conscious. I walked around looking for a machine I recognized. Alas, I found a treadmill. Now this machine I knew very well. I hopped on and pressed ‘Quick Start’. It told me to enter my weight. I thought to myself, “Oh great, another shallow bastard asking for my weight.” Then I realized that it calculates the calories you burn by the weight you enter. Smart machine! Before I entered it, I made sure no one was looking and entered it faster than my PIN at the ATM. It felt like the longest number I ever had to enter. I was off to a good start. By the time the treadmill read 30 minutes, I was flushed with sweat. It was dripping down my face, neck and back. Gross! Let me tell you that I walked the entire time. I didn’t run a marathon, as you would think if you saw me. I went on for another 15 minutes and decided that was good for the first day. I burned 300 calories and inclined 65 feet. Good deal!

I have made another big step into my future. I feel great about it. Little by little, I will peel away a piece of the old me to reveal the new me. It will be like an orange and when all the peel is gone – there will be sweet beginnings.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Moving right along...

Okay, so what I have done so far is realize when something is poisonous and will contaminate me. This is relationships, friendships, acquaintances, and so forth. If I have felt that someone was contaminating me with their negativity, then I just distance myself from that person. There is no need to continue to put myself through misery for nothing. I get nothing but hurt out of it.

For instance Aubrey, who is my friend, has made me question our so-called friendship. One day she calls me and says she wants to do something, and the next day she doesn’t call to deliver her promises. I found it odd and often wondered if she was true. You know that awful feeling of ‘I did something wrong’? Well, I often felt that with her. I wondered what the hell I did. Then I wondered if maybe that were just her – her character – her personality. Either way, I do not want to be surrounded by all that negativity and wondering. That shit is for high schoolers, not me!

I had not spoken to her in a few days. However, she remembered that she asked a favor of me. Oh, well lo and behold; she calls me to ask if I was still up for the favor. Of course, I stuck to my promise and did her that. Ever since then, I have not received one phone call. It is fine by me, because I am so done. And guess what? I feel great! Not having that burden weighing me down has made me feel liberated. Yes people, this person really did bring me down a lot. At a point where she knew I needed her, she just was not too nice. People like that will soon know how it feels. It hurts.

This is a huge step in my happy journey. I am proud that I am not becoming bitter and depressed over people that do not deserve that satisfaction.

HUGE step, people! I am headed towards a better path.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Confidence 101, anyone?

I am sitting here in my living room, with the window slightly opened, music is coming in from the outside, and I hear some little boys bickering about a game. I feel restless, yet I cannot find the energy to get up and do something. It is not necessarily that I do not have energy, but the simple fact that I do not want to get up. I have been feeling this way for the past couple of days.
I think certain people in my life have been bringing me down. I just do not know how to cut someone out of my life. If someone brings you more hurt than happiness – should you just cut him or her out in a second?

I need to learn how to put myself out there and make myself friendlier. I think that my problem is that I just do not want to bother anyone. Sometimes I feel like if I try to befriend a person, they might be annoyed by me. I do not know why I keep thinking that. Therefore, I distance myself and wait for them to make the first move. I am too afraid to call someone and ask, “Hey, let’s get together this weekend.” And they say, “Oh, we’re going to a barbeque with so and so.” That would be totally awkward and embarrassing. At least I would be.
Do you see what I am talking about? I am excessively self-conscious to be the brave one. How does one get the confidence to do what they want to do? I want to be confident when I walk into stores and restaurants. I want to have that beautiful sway that women have when they walk. I walk like a fucking man. Okay, maybe I am being too hard on myself, but who else would be if not me?

As I mentioned before, I need life rehab. I want to know how to be confident. Yes, that is what I lack. In fact, I had no idea until now. I seriously just had an awakening.

Confidence. I am on my way to find it. This should be interesting.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Letting it all go

When I cook I think. When I wash dishes I think. In fact, I tune the world around me out and just start thinking about things. Whatever thoughts come to mind, I just think. Someone could ask me something and I probably won’t respond. If I do respond, I say, “Uh huh.”

Is it just me? Does this happen to anyone else?

What I do I think about? Well, let’s see… there’s money, work, life, family, friends, people who claim to be friends, and anything else. The irony of all this thinking is that nothing ever gets resolved. I might throw in the thoughts of, “Forget her. I don’t need this in my life.” Yet, tomorrow I will probably call her. I am just too nice sometimes. I cannot grow a backbone and tell people, “Screw you!”

I need some sort of intervention. Maybe I need life rehab. I need to figure some stuff out and put myself out there as a different person. I don’t really like who I am.

Let’s take Saul for example. I don’t like not liking him. I want to forgive him. Maybe that’s my problem – I don’t forgive easily. I don’t like disliking things in life. Is that a way to live? What about when I’m 70 yrs old and I’m one of those old people that hate everything. I don’t like being unhappy. That is exactly what I am right now. I am unhappy. I thought that would be hard to put out there, but it’s the truth.

I’ll clarify that I am happy with my life in a sense of what I am doing and who I am with. I am unhappy with the person I have become. As in holding a grudge for months, judging people too quickly, not trusting until I’ve known someone for years, not letting people in, not being more outgoing as I would like to be, forgetting to say thank you, telling a complete stranger hello, and more. I wasn’t always like this. I became this way after being screwed over many times by people who said they were my friends.

I guess I will work on myself. I’ll just let the bitter part of me go. It is time to just let it all go and start from scratch. Yes, that is what I’ll do. This whole blog thing kind of cleanses one, heh?

Monday, September 1, 2008

Throw in the towel?

I don’t know much about relationships. What I do know is that people shouldn’t really treat their significant other with less respect. When is enough ever enough?

I have spent years watching my sisters go through boyfriend, break-ups, make-ups, marriage, engagements, and tears. However, there is this one special person that means so much to me. Her name is Jill. Jill is one of those beautiful, smart, independent women that have everything going for themselves. She met this guy named Saul. When I first met him I thought he was nice and he made her happy, so that was a huge bonus. Jill fell madly deeply in love with Saul. Now, I know it sounds cheesy, but she really did fall head over heels for him. Why? I have no clue. Jill has a career (pays really well); a house, a car, and she fell for a guy that has no goals. He worked at the mall and no I am not talking about a teenager here. Everyone wondered what she saw in him, but she didn’t care.
First time he broke her heart; they were about to move in together for the first time and he just up and leaves. He said he just couldn’t do it anymore. After months of binge drinking and beating herself up about him – she takes him back. A year or so later, he breaks her heart again. Again, he said he couldn’t do it anymore. Again, she beats herself up about it – and again she takes him back. Let’s fast forward now to five years later. He proposes to her and tells her he wants to be with her the rest of his life. They buy a house together, set the date, put down payments on everything for the wedding, she bought her dress, and one day he up and leaves again. He said, “I can’t do this anymore.” He moved out and told her she’d be okay without him.

This time all was different. Jill wallowed for the first three weeks, while I sat there with her drinking wine and talking. She went over things in her head over and over, but she couldn’t think of a reason why. I told her how I felt about the situation and she cried. I told her that I thought she deserved the world after being put through all the shit he put her through. I spent many days and nights with her just being girls. We had fun. Then one day he called her. He told her he was sorry and that he would never do it again. He told her all the reasons why he couldn’t stay – and of course it was all her fault. She told him she needed time to think about things.

Then a month had past and she called him to tell him that things weren’t going to work out and that she was fine without him. Saul freaked. He thought he had her, but he realized he lost her. Saul tried and tried to get her back. He made promises and made sure she understood how he felt and how sorry he was. He was very sorry. Jill, a month later, took him back.

Today, they are back together, living in the house, and are going to continue with their wedding plans. Is this happening? Is she really going to get her happy ending? As much as I want to believe him and I want to like him again – I can’t. I cannot do it. Maybe in time I will like him again, but right now I can’t. In fact, I cannot stand the sight of the asshole. I have to be okay with it, right? She is my sister, so I must keep my feelings for him inside. Right?