I am sitting here in my living room, with the window slightly opened, music is coming in from the outside, and I hear some little boys bickering about a game. I feel restless, yet I cannot find the energy to get up and do something. It is not necessarily that I do not have energy, but the simple fact that I do not want to get up. I have been feeling this way for the past couple of days.
I think certain people in my life have been bringing me down. I just do not know how to cut someone out of my life. If someone brings you more hurt than happiness – should you just cut him or her out in a second?
I need to learn how to put myself out there and make myself friendlier. I think that my problem is that I just do not want to bother anyone. Sometimes I feel like if I try to befriend a person, they might be annoyed by me. I do not know why I keep thinking that. Therefore, I distance myself and wait for them to make the first move. I am too afraid to call someone and ask, “Hey, let’s get together this weekend.” And they say, “Oh, we’re going to a barbeque with so and so.” That would be totally awkward and embarrassing. At least I would be.
Do you see what I am talking about? I am excessively self-conscious to be the brave one. How does one get the confidence to do what they want to do? I want to be confident when I walk into stores and restaurants. I want to have that beautiful sway that women have when they walk. I walk like a fucking man. Okay, maybe I am being too hard on myself, but who else would be if not me?
As I mentioned before, I need life rehab. I want to know how to be confident. Yes, that is what I lack. In fact, I had no idea until now. I seriously just had an awakening.
Confidence. I am on my way to find it. This should be interesting.