...month for lovers

I feel so alone. I haven’t felt sexy in a long time. I have not laughed in two weeks. The last time I really felt loved was in October. How do you wake someone up from autopilot? How do you explain to someone that you haven’t felt happy in months?

It was not always like this. I used to laugh every day. I was confident and loving my life. I was in a relationship where I felt loved! I really did feel loved. He used to bring me flowers at random times, buy me small things for no reason, look at me in a way that made me feel sexy and wanted. Now, it is just… blah. Our daily lives go on as a repetitive cycle.

In reality, I feel like bringing it to his attention will change for a day. Eventually, it will all go back to its regular schedule. I don’t know exactly how things got this way. How we ended up living the lives of 80 yr old couples. I suppose life just gets busy and people adjust to the way things go. What will I win by expressing how I feel? I suppose there’s nothing to lose either.

O.k. I will let you know how things go.

Lateness for Nothing

I get so upset easily it is irritating and nauseating at how mad I get. I go from zero to livid in .2 seconds. I absolutely dislike that about myself. I mean, I don’t get stupid and start hitting and kicking stuff, but I do yell. I am upset every morning because of lateness. However, my anger fades once I hit the gym. Then, the next day it all starts over again. Nothing changes. The reason for the lateness does not change. I mean, we know why we are late, but we are still late. Yeah, I’m that person in your office that is late all the time. Not purposely meaning to be late, but is always late. I wake up 10 min earlier the next day to prevent it, but something always happens and we are late again. It is damn frustrating! It makes me want to yell, “Get your shit together,” while looking at myself in the mirror. Ugh.

That one ‘friend’ I spoke of in my earlier entries. She is still around and she still is a sucky person. The last time I said I was going to drop her and move on, well, it didn’t happen. I continued to talk to her hoping she would not hurt me again, but I was wrong. She stood me up one day and never apologized. I called her, no answer, and no returned calls. I emailed her a few times, but no response. Then, about two weeks later, she sends me a text message and says, “Not ignoring you been sick. Throwing a bday party for (her husband) you guys are invited.” Umm… been sick? Not ignoring me? Are you a fucking moron? Yeah, you are. She had all the time in the world to get on MySpace and post pictures, fill out surveys, and do other things, but no phone call. I seriously think she has issues. I realized that this woman was not going to change. I dropped her that time for sure. I had enough of her. I politely replied and said, “No can’t go, but thank you.” Since then, I have not spoken to her. That happened back in November, so it has been a while. I am so happy to have her out of my life. She is still stupid and is still into her dumbness.

Moving on.

It seems as though that I am changing. I am not sure as to why or if it is a good thing or not. I am just not into the same things anymore. The things that I used to think were hilarious are not funny anymore. My priorities changed to improved things. I no longer hang out with the youngens anymore. I guess one could say that I am growing up. I suppose it is a good thing. People my age though would differ.

Okay, well I suppose that is all for today.

Great Nothings

I have been thinking a lot lately. Mostly at the fact that I desperately want to be selfish, but I cannot seem to be. I do not know why really, but it has been annoyingly eating at me. Why, you might ask. Well, because I do not usually get what I want; not without a good fight at least. There is an opportunity that has arisen. I have been contemplating whether it is the right choice for the future. I have two options: One is to move somewhere cold, snowy, lonely, and not certain of the downtime, but definite great possibilities. The second is move somewhere close to home, great opportunities, near friends and family, but missing someone due to a job. What to do? I am sure that everything will fall into place just the way it is supposed to be; but getting into that place is what is hard.

Okay, exercise and weight time. I have stopped losing weight. Not because I haven’t been going to the gym, but because it’s time for me to cut back on MORE food and start toning up. I know I have to cut back, I know I cannot be eating certain things, I know I need to up my game – it sucks! When is enough, enough? When am I going to be completely happy with my body? Never. I bet even models and trainers aren’t totally happy with their bodies. I guess I just have to start seeing myself in a different light, maybe a different mirror.

Well that is enough for today. It’s short and simple, but that is all I have time for right now.

No Upside

So many things have happened since I last blogged. Where do I begin? Okay, so I am still going to the gym and I am still eating well. It has NOT been a smooth ride, but I am hanging in there. All I can say is that I am trying. I have lost a few pounds, which could have been more if I could just say, “No,” to the cake. I am back on track and I am sticking to it. Going to the gym has become a bore since a cute guy I had been inconspicuously eyeing has stopped going. Oh well, life goes on.

Another hard pill to swallow is that Jill and Saul got married. Oh that killed me. Okay, again, let me rewind a bit. This man has caused her so much pain and still wasn’t sure if he wanted to be with her. Then, he was going out for a job he wanted, didn’t get the job, came back home and surprised her with wanting to marry her then and there. She stupidly said yes and went ahead and married him. No one knew, no one was there, and the news broke out the next day. I was furious. I was just livid to the extreme. He is jobless, no goals, no money, and a full blown jackass. I honestly really do dislike him. As I mentioned before, she has a career, makes great money, has a home, and is financially set. Of course the dickhead is going to marry her! Who else is going to take care of his bills and him? He’s in his mid-30! I really do hope that they prove me wrong. All the red flags in the world were up on her end and she still did it. I wish them well and I will continue to pray for her.

What else? Life has just been striding along. I am trying to get into something better as career goes. I just can’t believe it’s 2009 already. I feel as if I just started getting used to writing 2008 down. Either the years are going by faster or it is getting shorter.

Okay, well I will update (hopefully a more chipper one) later. I will definitely be blogging more often now.

First day at the gym

People (including myself) know what healthy is. We know that smoking, drinking, consuming sugar, caffeine, fried anything, greasy anything, and drugs are bad for our bodies. Almost everything that tastes like guilt is bad for our bodies. Yet, we all seem to do it or eat it. Why is that so?

My next step to my new “Confident Positive Life” is to be healthier and active. I suppose that means heading to the gym more often and eating healthier. Putting down the chips and soda, retiring my jelly-filled donuts, emptying my cookie jars, and picking my jello-y butt up off the couch.

Yes, I did it. I decided to get a membership and head to the gym. I was extremely nervous and self-conscious about going, especially alone. I didn’t know what people would say when they saw me, or think about when I walked in. I did not have those cute little sweats with matching shirts and a bouncy ponytail. Here I was, walking in with some big loose-fitting sweats, large t-shirt, and a bun in my hair. Cute, I know. I figured it was a place to get sweaty and smelly – why would I want to look cute?
As women passed me with their sweet smelling body spray, tight spandex, tank tops, and matching tennis shoes, I grew more self-conscious. I walked around looking for a machine I recognized. Alas, I found a treadmill. Now this machine I knew very well. I hopped on and pressed ‘Quick Start’. It told me to enter my weight. I thought to myself, “Oh great, another shallow bastard asking for my weight.” Then I realized that it calculates the calories you burn by the weight you enter. Smart machine! Before I entered it, I made sure no one was looking and entered it faster than my PIN at the ATM. It felt like the longest number I ever had to enter. I was off to a good start. By the time the treadmill read 30 minutes, I was flushed with sweat. It was dripping down my face, neck and back. Gross! Let me tell you that I walked the entire time. I didn’t run a marathon, as you would think if you saw me. I went on for another 15 minutes and decided that was good for the first day. I burned 300 calories and inclined 65 feet. Good deal!

I have made another big step into my future. I feel great about it. Little by little, I will peel away a piece of the old me to reveal the new me. It will be like an orange and when all the peel is gone – there will be sweet beginnings.

Moving right along...

Okay, so what I have done so far is realize when something is poisonous and will contaminate me. This is relationships, friendships, acquaintances, and so forth. If I have felt that someone was contaminating me with their negativity, then I just distance myself from that person. There is no need to continue to put myself through misery for nothing. I get nothing but hurt out of it.

For instance Aubrey, who is my friend, has made me question our so-called friendship. One day she calls me and says she wants to do something, and the next day she doesn’t call to deliver her promises. I found it odd and often wondered if she was true. You know that awful feeling of ‘I did something wrong’? Well, I often felt that with her. I wondered what the hell I did. Then I wondered if maybe that were just her – her character – her personality. Either way, I do not want to be surrounded by all that negativity and wondering. That shit is for high schoolers, not me!

I had not spoken to her in a few days. However, she remembered that she asked a favor of me. Oh, well lo and behold; she calls me to ask if I was still up for the favor. Of course, I stuck to my promise and did her that. Ever since then, I have not received one phone call. It is fine by me, because I am so done. And guess what? I feel great! Not having that burden weighing me down has made me feel liberated. Yes people, this person really did bring me down a lot. At a point where she knew I needed her, she just was not too nice. People like that will soon know how it feels. It hurts.

This is a huge step in my happy journey. I am proud that I am not becoming bitter and depressed over people that do not deserve that satisfaction.

HUGE step, people! I am headed towards a better path.

Confidence 101, anyone?

I am sitting here in my living room, with the window slightly opened, music is coming in from the outside, and I hear some little boys bickering about a game. I feel restless, yet I cannot find the energy to get up and do something. It is not necessarily that I do not have energy, but the simple fact that I do not want to get up. I have been feeling this way for the past couple of days.
I think certain people in my life have been bringing me down. I just do not know how to cut someone out of my life. If someone brings you more hurt than happiness – should you just cut him or her out in a second?

I need to learn how to put myself out there and make myself friendlier. I think that my problem is that I just do not want to bother anyone. Sometimes I feel like if I try to befriend a person, they might be annoyed by me. I do not know why I keep thinking that. Therefore, I distance myself and wait for them to make the first move. I am too afraid to call someone and ask, “Hey, let’s get together this weekend.” And they say, “Oh, we’re going to a barbeque with so and so.” That would be totally awkward and embarrassing. At least I would be.
Do you see what I am talking about? I am excessively self-conscious to be the brave one. How does one get the confidence to do what they want to do? I want to be confident when I walk into stores and restaurants. I want to have that beautiful sway that women have when they walk. I walk like a fucking man. Okay, maybe I am being too hard on myself, but who else would be if not me?

As I mentioned before, I need life rehab. I want to know how to be confident. Yes, that is what I lack. In fact, I had no idea until now. I seriously just had an awakening.

Confidence. I am on my way to find it. This should be interesting.